The new cyber-bullying

I'm having mixed feelings about Craigslist lately. I mean, is anyone on Craigslist NOT a murderer anymore? Do not click these links if you're emotionally sensitive (or pregnant), but: Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

But then something comes along that reminds me that Craigslist has a higher calling. Like writing up fake craigslist ads making fun of people you don't like.

Like this. A quote:

"I'm looking for someone to be seen with. Basically.... I look amazing. You look amazing.
We look amazing together. In public. We don't have to actually do anything behind closed doors and I would prefer if we didn't.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, celibacy is next to celebrity.

1. If you use incorrect grammar, just keep your mouth closed. I don't want people to think you're just beauty. (We have to appear to be the total package)

2. You must have had an addiction to one drug at one point in time. Bonus points for H.

3. You must have fucked at least two dozen guys that are 'in a band'. Singers count as two people and if we've already fucked, I counted for twelve."

It goes on from there. It's signed "xoxo Cadaver."

So who do we think wrote this? Cadaver's ex-girlfriend? An anti-scenester? Or just some hater?

Online Dating Instant Translator

So, I'm looking through old documents, trying to finish some old article ideas I started, when I came across this old CL post--composed as a retort to some similar piece of crap designed to translate women's false descriptions of themselves on dating sites. Yeah, yeah, some men tell the truth on the sites. Maybe some do. But if they do, you can chalk it up to a twist of fate. And, yeah, women exaggerate a little on these things. But what's good for the goose . . ..


Guide for Decoding Men's Personal Ads:

42......................................................62.
Adventurous...................................Unemployed.
Athletic............................................Jock itch.
Average looking..............................Weeping sores, chubby, toothless, etc.
Thinning hair...................................Bald as a cue ball.
Self-employed……...........................Unemployed.
Handsome, I guess..........................I guess NOT.
Centered, Buddhist.........................Right fuckin' nuts.
Knows how to please a woman......Can't sustain an erection.
Likes to please her first..................Can't sustain an erection.
Spiritual............................................Can't get an erection.
Likes petite women.........................Teeny-weeny wienie
Wants to find true love....................Wants to get into your pants.
Friendship first.................................Wants to get into your pants.
Misses being married......................Still in love with his ex/wants to get into your pants.
Nature lover.....................................Homeless/lives under an overpass.
Stocky...............................................Beer belly/manboobs.
Unconventional...............................Think giant silk undies and size 13 heels.
Looks younger than he is...............Delusional and legally blind.
Free thinker.....................................g-g-g-gay.
Open-minded..................................Desperate.
Outgoing...........................................Loud and Embarrassing.
Good sense of humor......................Laughs at all his own jokes.
Good businessman..........................Cheap as dirt.
Professional......................................Unemployed lawyer (trust me).
Big guy..............................................Tall and enormously fat.
Large frame......................................Think Chris Farley's grandpa.
Wants Soul mate..............................Stalker.
Seen the world..................................You could be woman #763!!!
Loves to travel..................................He's moving on in a hurry.
Intellectual.........................................IQ just above room temperature.
Separated...........................................Married.
Divorced.............................................Separated.
Single...................................................Involved
5' 10"...................................................5' 7"
6' 4".....................................................7' 2"
5' 7".....................................................Leprechaun/Tattoo/Gary Coleman